Autofellatio Dreams and CEI

Ongoing Thank You Mommy

Thirsting for my semen came to me in teenage dreams. Ejaculating and orgasm were a new delight, and I was curious and unashamed. This was in the era when I often masturbated by fucking my vaseline-lubed fist onto a pillow, and freely put my greasy and cum soaked bedding into the laundry where my mom was sure to see it. It never occurred to me to be ashamed.

Wearing a tan, sikly night gown, she once entered my room as I was humping my pillow and fucking my fest, sat down on the bed and placed her hand on my back whilst my heart raced. I took her message as one of approval and understanding. I dropped dozens of my spermy pillow cases into the hamper, and they were returned washed and wholly stained. Realistically there is no way she did not smell and taste her young son’s fresh seed from is first ejaculations. Even if just a little, she’s smelled and tasted my semen.

I’m not sure when I expeienced the first of these dreams, it was right around then though a world apart, a slight dimension off to the side of my waking awarene….perhaps the nerve center at the core of my psyche.

In my dream, I was doubled over to myself, looking at the tip of my stiff penis. I wanted to suck but I knew it was impossible. A voice in my mind — known to me as the voice who knows — said don’t worry, just do it, and with that, my penis slipped into my mouth. I understood what this was to be about…happening so vividly as I prepared to swallow my semen in the depths of the most gorgeous throat throbbing orgasm every time, swallowing easily and with such bliss. Well into my teenage years…

On the ordinary masturbation side of this, I experienced what I understand lurks deep in the core of many of my brothers. The idea of swallowing myself would occur to me, gently taking hold of my total pleasure and surrender. I would produce semen, my whole body pulsing, to the thought of swallowing myself. And then once I had it, I would be distusted with myself. I call this experience ‘the split’, whereas on one side I have desire and no semen and on the others, semen and no desire.

It did not occur to me to suck on other boys. My tropism was for the mysterious beauties known as girls, adoring their maturation into women. I knew my destiny was cunnilingus. The dreams faded, cunnilingus came to me, and my incomplete self thirst went unfilled. I finally succumbed to myself with the help of Sabine. We were deliciously high on acid late one night, living in a San Francisco attic — at the home of the daughter of a professor back in New Paltz.

She assisted me as I leaned my legs up against the angled roof of the attic, and finally swallowed my semen…with the guidance of a woman I love dearly. This became a learning model. Many women have held the space of a Sabine for me, accompanying me from one side of my surrender to the other.

All of you standing in for my mom…

Heather feeding me my dry cum off of a mirror, with my lover dani photographing us. This is stardate 2007, just before the Blue Studio era…thank you heather and dani i so love you both for doing this for me.

Self cum licking was my erotic orientation, entering all of my relationships whether with women or with men. Even as I yearned for endless cunnilingus, gradually the idea of celibacy slipped in, yet my need for cunnilingus was so deep I could not imagine surrendering it. At the same time I was surprised by the elegant eroticism of daring myself, the notion of surrendering sex with others sensing within me as some secret sheer delight. Mostly I was curious if other men drank their semen, or thirsted for themselves.

I had a google web alert set long ago for ‘drink my own semen’ and ‘self cum drinking’ etc. And there was like the rare, occasional mention, usually obscure. I finally stopped watching. In that time i created book of blue which is at its bare essence driven by my self cum thirst…and many of the bOb women became companions to my exploration, Thresholders and Sabines holding my mirror whilst I let go and showing me my face in my fresh cum and old crust.

One of the most beautiful rituals is licking my dry cum with human presence. I want to understand what it is I offer back to women by doing this for myself.

Cum mirror.

Then one day just like that CEI porn was everywhere. And this amazing trance dance groove, “eat it,” I’ve lost track of the artist. She’s one of the deans of CEI…

That stands for ‘cum eating instructions’ where a woman, usually a little (or a lot bitchy), encorages the man to masturbate and drink his own semen. Suddenly this was a thing, running into the hundreds of thousands of views on all of the porn sites. From what I have recently discovered, most of the men who are into this masturbate to the idea as guided by Mistress Bitch…only to spurt all over the floor and not fill their thirst. Over and over…the ultimate thirst trap…

We could talk about maybe how it would feel gay, it’s a kind of autophobia…and what I understand myself to be doing is opening the way. This has happened because the women who helped me drink my cum can do this for other men. They will not have to look far for one who deeply needs this assistance. Said another way, my inviting and allowing women to particpate in my self-thirst and self-fulfillment, they get the experience sufficient to facilitate for men.

Regarding mirror celibacy, which kind of seduced me, an equivalent of that emerged, which was male chastity play becomeing primo porn. As part of male sub femdom play, all dommes will expect their subject to eat his own cum. One former dominatrix told me she had an unwashed dog dish from which hundreds of men licked their own cum, and any left behind residue.

Also regarding mirror celibacy, at one point I decided that my term would end once I had licked all of my mirrors clean. I could not keep up with myself. And then once, looking at the spattered streaks and crust, I asked myself — so what were all those orgasms about…? And then I remembered. Every time I thirsted and spirted and licked or partly licked or left myself there…the orgasm was to mirror celibacy. Sometimes interlaced with my mad thirst for cunnilingus. And as everyone knows I infused my selfcum thirst with my need. My cum mirror is cunt. I’m a mirror celibate self semen drinker. If I can do this, I can live my life.

If it’s not wholly obvious, I am available to help men drink your own semen, or doing it together. We can do this with or without your girlfriend/boyfriend there. I’m pretty sure I can get you to fulfill your self thirst with passion, and feel good that you did. No shame! But embarrassment is essential.

Embarrassment is the moment you can really hang out. So I will say this directly: it’s beautiful that you want to drink your own semen. Offer doing so as a gesture of healing for the woman or women in your ilfe who hold space for you. Let her help you get from your moment of honest thirsty passion into your slow and soft self delecting. It’s essential that your face is seen when you’re doing this. Let people see your face when your mouth is full of your cum. Love her and love yourself right then.

That! Yes…

I am a mirror celibate self cum licker.

Fae helped me lick my dry cum and drink my semen. She helped me heal ‘the split’…I have never smelled or tasted her. I hve never sucked or smelled her breasts. I have thirsted for her eternally. One of the most delighful , poignant ‘in loves’ of my life. Free Fantasy!