So rare to feel this kind of free, deep, reciprocal connection that bonds two people at the level you write about here. Curious if you ever extend these relationships outside of the Blue Studio?
One thing to know is that there were models, with whom I did not have sexual relatinoships, and there were lovers, with whom I did, and some of whom created photos with me. With lovers, photos are a really fun form of sex play and the results were always memorable and beautiful. For a model/artist relationship, this is a good example.
Yes, I remember Iris well. I asked because, for me, to feel seen, and to see another, on such an intense level that you write about in several of your pieces, would make me want to continue expanding the relationship to see where it could go and what possibilities it could contain.
Well, that is up to both parties. One implicit theme of Book of Blue is that the women are leading the way in the relationship and the sexual experiences. My role is to be available, to provide the space and the means, and to particpate.
Usually I will go as far with a partner as they are interested in and as is creative.
I am keenly interested in whether and how they are interestsed in me, as in the details of how I am in them.
Also I am presenting my expeirneces in the most positive light of my partner. There are exceptions, necessary for accurate portrayal of the experience (such as Fucking Eja, where I describe her obsession with conflict and her own sexual power). Someone will lose me there, even thoughI may still love and/or be sexually attracted to them.
There were some women, especially in New York, whom I was truly into and it was not happening. Once all the trappings of a relatinoship are stripped away and it comes down to the actual energy and personality dynamics, attraction can be subtle, and I know it when I feel it.
I have learned a lot from this whole journey about whether I am attracted to a woman. And I have learned to see whether she is attracted to me, or has some other agenda. Not having sex with anyone for the past three-plus years has fine tuned me. I am now alert to the fact that I am looking for sincerity and innate respect as the most imprtant elements in her attraction for me. In my jugement, those are the most authentic elements of her choice.
The most important thing I've learned is not to pursue women. I will show my interest, clearly signal my availability, perhaps give a token gift of a really good book or such...and that's it. She must come to me. Many women are extremely pretentious and trained to be so — they are able to mask their true feelings and take up any form they want, for a while. I have to get past that.
Also, with many of the women, I learned a lot about their relationship dynamics with the other men (and women) in their life and I study that to the extent that the information is available.
The pretension of women. That always amazes me, as it is such a sign of insecurity and a lack of self-possession. If they are comfortable with and within themselves, there is no need for cover.
The other agenda thing you mention is what I am fine-tuned to recognize in a man. It is easy for me to see it, and if I do, I walk away.
I look for emotional clarity in a partner, and I must be attracted to their intelligence, their mind, their way of looking and moving through the world. And yes, respect and sincerity are non-negotiable.
Just feeling this gonna share. I've got two stories brewing with the theme of masturbating myself while a male-female couple fucks in the room. Per our agreement I look at them only in the mirror, where I am in context...as my selflover. The feeling of this is that their fucking gives me the total freedom to go anywhere into myself, any sexual feeling, it's wholly liberating. And puts me in a spot where I have no reason to hold back, I can cast aside all embarassment, shame, guilt, reluctance and open up fully to myself. Now the question is does my selfloving have any influence on them. I want to imagine that it's liberating for them...and at the same time I know they may totally tune me out as they are so absorbed in one another. And I know that they are in a sense a distraction from my necessary self experience and I must stop projecting onto them and really confront myself. I love this in-out of liminality dynamic. And yeat we cannot but be totally aware of one another but I know I have to focus on myself which really means looking into my eyes to reach the deep space that I need and want to reach.
--------------
In one of these scenarios I am invited to lick his semen from her vagina. While the fantasy seemed entirely hot the reality is different and she is there for me to coax me and encourage me to eat his semen from her...we all know that I deeply need to do this and I work through my reluctance and lick his cum from deep in her vagina and swallow in their presence. That felt really good. It still does today.
To stop projecting and thinking about what they are feeling and to confront yourself. You are in this scenario for you; you are the arranger, the giver, and the receiver.
Do you get more satisfaction out of breaking down all the shame, guilt, and embarrassment barriers within yourself or in the sexual act itself? From reading your writing, I sense the former.
in the present moment, we can apply the same Koan to my mirror celibacy. Am I here to exist openly in this state of being and all the emotional release that allows...or to actually enter the experience the mirror orgasm into my face and cum into a seashell...or my palm...I usually start masturbating in bed. do i fully undress? do I get myself in front of a mirror? In the warm part of the house, I have two nice tall ones but...do I go there? And when I do what do I say? can i go as far as at least trying to forgive myself, to say the words, to hear them, to accept myself? and how beautiful can i allow my self-release to be...with death implied...can i really really slow down and smell my cum for a while till i feel how much i love my scent...or am I in a state of panic over not wanting to lose my desire and my nerve..that delightful feeling tha tmen rush to CEI girls for...and suddenly i've got a mouth full of my cum and I'm thinking wtf am i doing and want to rush and watch south park...and maybe I will slow down and not merely moan into the microphone but swish my cum in my mouth and be there for total corporal enjoyment in my self existence...(the feeling this was worth giving up cunt for) spinning...though usually i am more hesitant and i know i indulge my sensation of ambivalance. I have placed the recording of one such orgasm into the bottom of the article above for you to hear and anyone else. I haven't played it yet, Catt. i remain a mirror celibate self cum drinker and love that especially you know this, cbgb.
With all of your spiritual knowledge and study, I am so curious about your need to forgive and accept yourself. You have achieved a state of inner/outer oneness. What is there to forgive? You are saturated in bliss, yes?
also masturbation has a limited palette for sensuality with physical contact of a woman's body not there. For me that is pure sensuality. I have no inhibitions...it's not really psychological, though the sexual communication is emotinoal and I am good at taking other people past their inhibitions.
All of that is part of sexual pleasure. But yes it's different for example in a scene like Liza and it is in a scene like The Erodome. Liza is about immersion in emotional intimacy and physical fulfillment. The Erodome or the scene with the couple and the mirror I described above has a much more edgy and psychological challenge to it. I think that Liza is where you can get (with two fully prepared and willing peple, and love) if you no longer experience shadow as debilitating or interfering. This is rare but it happens. Unfortuately I think many people go for shameless gratification and encounter shame and guilt because there is so much unresolved business of the past in most sexual situations.
How are you defining shadow? In the classic Jungian sense of repressed instinctual urges? You are saying that when you reach the point of embracing it, thus becoming whole, that experience is what you had with Liza?
Well, in the sense that you mean, sure, but the studio in one form or another has been my home...I have photos I don't publish...women I have not photographed...and the "book of blue" is a full spectrum diary of my sexuality with some coverage back to around age 14...
So rare to feel this kind of free, deep, reciprocal connection that bonds two people at the level you write about here. Curious if you ever extend these relationships outside of the Blue Studio?
One thing to know is that there were models, with whom I did not have sexual relatinoships, and there were lovers, with whom I did, and some of whom created photos with me. With lovers, photos are a really fun form of sex play and the results were always memorable and beautiful. For a model/artist relationship, this is a good example.
https://bookofblue.substack.com/p/the-celibacy-goddess
Yes, I remember Iris well. I asked because, for me, to feel seen, and to see another, on such an intense level that you write about in several of your pieces, would make me want to continue expanding the relationship to see where it could go and what possibilities it could contain.
Well, that is up to both parties. One implicit theme of Book of Blue is that the women are leading the way in the relationship and the sexual experiences. My role is to be available, to provide the space and the means, and to particpate.
Usually I will go as far with a partner as they are interested in and as is creative.
I am keenly interested in whether and how they are interestsed in me, as in the details of how I am in them.
Also I am presenting my expeirneces in the most positive light of my partner. There are exceptions, necessary for accurate portrayal of the experience (such as Fucking Eja, where I describe her obsession with conflict and her own sexual power). Someone will lose me there, even thoughI may still love and/or be sexually attracted to them.
There were some women, especially in New York, whom I was truly into and it was not happening. Once all the trappings of a relatinoship are stripped away and it comes down to the actual energy and personality dynamics, attraction can be subtle, and I know it when I feel it.
I have learned a lot from this whole journey about whether I am attracted to a woman. And I have learned to see whether she is attracted to me, or has some other agenda. Not having sex with anyone for the past three-plus years has fine tuned me. I am now alert to the fact that I am looking for sincerity and innate respect as the most imprtant elements in her attraction for me. In my jugement, those are the most authentic elements of her choice.
The most important thing I've learned is not to pursue women. I will show my interest, clearly signal my availability, perhaps give a token gift of a really good book or such...and that's it. She must come to me. Many women are extremely pretentious and trained to be so — they are able to mask their true feelings and take up any form they want, for a while. I have to get past that.
Also, with many of the women, I learned a lot about their relationship dynamics with the other men (and women) in their life and I study that to the extent that the information is available.
I do not use astrology.
The pretension of women. That always amazes me, as it is such a sign of insecurity and a lack of self-possession. If they are comfortable with and within themselves, there is no need for cover.
The other agenda thing you mention is what I am fine-tuned to recognize in a man. It is easy for me to see it, and if I do, I walk away.
I look for emotional clarity in a partner, and I must be attracted to their intelligence, their mind, their way of looking and moving through the world. And yes, respect and sincerity are non-negotiable.
It's easy to fake those things...for a while...
Just feeling this gonna share. I've got two stories brewing with the theme of masturbating myself while a male-female couple fucks in the room. Per our agreement I look at them only in the mirror, where I am in context...as my selflover. The feeling of this is that their fucking gives me the total freedom to go anywhere into myself, any sexual feeling, it's wholly liberating. And puts me in a spot where I have no reason to hold back, I can cast aside all embarassment, shame, guilt, reluctance and open up fully to myself. Now the question is does my selfloving have any influence on them. I want to imagine that it's liberating for them...and at the same time I know they may totally tune me out as they are so absorbed in one another. And I know that they are in a sense a distraction from my necessary self experience and I must stop projecting onto them and really confront myself. I love this in-out of liminality dynamic. And yeat we cannot but be totally aware of one another but I know I have to focus on myself which really means looking into my eyes to reach the deep space that I need and want to reach.
--------------
In one of these scenarios I am invited to lick his semen from her vagina. While the fantasy seemed entirely hot the reality is different and she is there for me to coax me and encourage me to eat his semen from her...we all know that I deeply need to do this and I work through my reluctance and lick his cum from deep in her vagina and swallow in their presence. That felt really good. It still does today.
Your question is a Japanese koan.
And you have it all worked out in your answer.
To stop projecting and thinking about what they are feeling and to confront yourself. You are in this scenario for you; you are the arranger, the giver, and the receiver.
Do you get more satisfaction out of breaking down all the shame, guilt, and embarrassment barriers within yourself or in the sexual act itself? From reading your writing, I sense the former.
in the present moment, we can apply the same Koan to my mirror celibacy. Am I here to exist openly in this state of being and all the emotional release that allows...or to actually enter the experience the mirror orgasm into my face and cum into a seashell...or my palm...I usually start masturbating in bed. do i fully undress? do I get myself in front of a mirror? In the warm part of the house, I have two nice tall ones but...do I go there? And when I do what do I say? can i go as far as at least trying to forgive myself, to say the words, to hear them, to accept myself? and how beautiful can i allow my self-release to be...with death implied...can i really really slow down and smell my cum for a while till i feel how much i love my scent...or am I in a state of panic over not wanting to lose my desire and my nerve..that delightful feeling tha tmen rush to CEI girls for...and suddenly i've got a mouth full of my cum and I'm thinking wtf am i doing and want to rush and watch south park...and maybe I will slow down and not merely moan into the microphone but swish my cum in my mouth and be there for total corporal enjoyment in my self existence...(the feeling this was worth giving up cunt for) spinning...though usually i am more hesitant and i know i indulge my sensation of ambivalance. I have placed the recording of one such orgasm into the bottom of the article above for you to hear and anyone else. I haven't played it yet, Catt. i remain a mirror celibate self cum drinker and love that especially you know this, cbgb.
With all of your spiritual knowledge and study, I am so curious about your need to forgive and accept yourself. You have achieved a state of inner/outer oneness. What is there to forgive? You are saturated in bliss, yes?
also masturbation has a limited palette for sensuality with physical contact of a woman's body not there. For me that is pure sensuality. I have no inhibitions...it's not really psychological, though the sexual communication is emotinoal and I am good at taking other people past their inhibitions.
All of that is part of sexual pleasure. But yes it's different for example in a scene like Liza and it is in a scene like The Erodome. Liza is about immersion in emotional intimacy and physical fulfillment. The Erodome or the scene with the couple and the mirror I described above has a much more edgy and psychological challenge to it. I think that Liza is where you can get (with two fully prepared and willing peple, and love) if you no longer experience shadow as debilitating or interfering. This is rare but it happens. Unfortuately I think many people go for shameless gratification and encounter shame and guilt because there is so much unresolved business of the past in most sexual situations.
How are you defining shadow? In the classic Jungian sense of repressed instinctual urges? You are saying that when you reach the point of embracing it, thus becoming whole, that experience is what you had with Liza?
added a sub comment
Well, in the sense that you mean, sure, but the studio in one form or another has been my home...I have photos I don't publish...women I have not photographed...and the "book of blue" is a full spectrum diary of my sexuality with some coverage back to around age 14...
Wow! When did you write this(now or then)? It was making me thirsty before I read the words, “I’m thirsty!” haha! Beautiful, friend!
written over the past month...slowly. happened in 2007.