Page From the Women’s Book of Secrets

A first-time experience

Bedroom window, Brussels.

At long last, I found the right guy to give my first blowjob. This was fairly late in my bisexual experimentation, but most of that had involved sex toys and masturbation rather than conventional m/m sex. A lot of guys had sucked my cock, especially when I was younger. I never had to ask, and I did enjoy it.

When I wanted to suck a man all the way, I had to look around consciously. It took a while. I knew what I wanted and found an excellent partner for the occasion. I had picked someone to take my virginity. I had never had another guy’s semen in my body, and that was very much in my plans. I say excellent because we were both in experimental mode, and had the same values about health. He was the right age, that is, not too young, friendly and pretty aware.

We had three meetings, altogether, and the story takes place in Belgium, where I was living at the time. I found him on Craig’s Wish List, advertising for a guy to masturbate with. That is my erotic point of entree; if masturbating together is fun and goes well, you can keep doing that, or keep experimenting.

He was 25. I learned that I would be his second-ever sex partner; he had only done anything sexual with one girlfriend. In my view he was practically a virgin, but I was able to ask for and learn about some details of his life with a girl named Trina, so I knew he wasn’t.

We had an email correspondence that went on for maybe a month, asking one another a lot of questions…and then one day he came over. He lived in Antwerp; I was in Brussels. We had a good understanding of one another’s health history and we trusted one another confidently. I was still planning safe sex, for this visit. But I knew what I ultimately wanted.

In our first meeting, I got him off with my hand. First we masturbated on my bed. facing one another — but he really wanted me to do it to him, to do it for him.

Absolutely curious and willing, I gave that to him, teasing him out and bringing him easily to a fully conscious orgasm. I licked my palm and grabbed hold of him and, very slowly at first, fucked him with my fist till he began to breathe deeply and then it happened. He lost control, moaned softly, and I felt his strong penis throb in my hand as he covered his belly with about six long spurts of liquid as his cock shook in my hand. Each spurt was as much as my entire ejaculation.

We planned a second meeting and he knew what I wanted to do – go down on him and have him cum into my mouth or throat. This would be a first for both of us.

I knew he came a lot, and I really wondered how I was going to take it, but I needed to be in that space of not knowing. Whatever it felt like, whatever happened, I was willing to surrender to it. I wanted to feel helpless and fully willing.

Disbelieving what I was typing into the email even as I wrote, I asked him not to masturbate for a few days before arriving, and he said okay. I wanted him full-on and very horny: a hot boy with a lot of cum in his belly ready to let it out.

Getting together that day, we talked for a few minutes, but pretty much went directly to what we wanted.

I had promised to lick out his ass before I sucked him but didn’t have the courage. I could vividly in my phantasies, and several times enjoyed the emotion of that particular submission. But when it came to in-person — I didn’t. Next time I know I have to, because I know from experience there is something really amazing about having your ass licked before you let go into someone’s mouth. It builds the tension and…well, it’s the total submissiveness and then the feeling of bestowing that kind of pleasure. This has been done to me many, many times, and I want to offer it to someone. But — not that day.

Knowing I had total control over the situation, I had set up my camera out in the studio area, using a tripod and cable release. I asked of he minded if I took some photos of my face as he fucked my mouth, and that was just fine with him — there are about 12 of those photos.

When my face got near his cock, he did something that surprised me, which was gently clasped my cheeks and fucked me like I was his. It happened quickly and he took his prerogative, and from a delicate place within myself, I gave myself over. This is what I wanted: to let go of control.

His cock took to my mouth nicely, filling it tighter than I had imagined, but it was easy. I was surprised; he seemed so big, and yet he slid into my throat. Then a moment later I encouraged him to fuck my throat. He did that for some moments as I did an odd dance with my gag reflex. It was surprisingly easy to move with.

Photos created, I said, let’s go into my room, and we did.

Then I had to fuck my ass: I needed to be penetrated. So I stopped for a moment, and sat gradually down on a flat-bottomed dildo that was conveniently left nearby. This anchored me to the Earth and to the bed and into myself, and I continued slowly sucking him and explored the sensation of my throat being penetrated so warmly.

After a while, I asked him to kneel up, and wrapped my legs around him, and he resumed fucking me, only he was kneeling upright. I was sitting in front of him, kind of wrapped around him. I pushed my knees apart. My cock sprung up but it was just exposed there, and I felt my balls hang, simmering. I did not touch myself at all. My core was feeling well-penetrated as that silicone penis reached into me. I melted into existence, taken both ways.

Then a woman inside me took over.

That’s the only way I can describe it; not really a girl, definitely female, mature and emotionally present, seized my psyche. I still felt like me, though differently so. Physically, I grounded into the experience by spreading my knees apart, that stretching feeling of being totally pulled open. And at that, dropping down and allowing gravity to pull me into deeper penetration.

At the same time, I was allowing him to merge into me and to have me. And I was very happy about what I knew was going to happen. I had this moment of knowing the wait was over.

He fucked my mouth a little more aggressively, and I him. We did it to one another, but then I took over.

He said, “All I need is a little more…” and I knew what he meant. He meant he was close to orgasm, if I would be a little more aggressive. I pulled him as deep into my mouth as I could, groaning, and flicked my tongue on the bottom of the head of his cock. I moaned out how good and deep the emotion of doing this was, feeling the sound vibrate through our energy field.

Suddenly my throat started to pulse.

There was a rhythm, fairly quick and strange because I had never felt it before, and it was wholly involuntary. I was gulping, but there was nothing to swallow; my throat felt dry, but it was pulsing. It was just happening, it was pure biology, and it took over my whole consciousness and the moment hung suspended.

Somewhere in here I experienced a fleeting thought, “What if I don’t like the taste?” And some spirit inside me replied, “Even if you don’t, it’s going to feel just as good.”

Then into that dry throbbing flooded his semen, which began pulsing in the precise rhythm of my throat. It was happening all at once. There was nothing whatsoever I could to do stop it or stop him. I just submitted myself to the experience and let go. He was like drinking warm jets from a well, unlimited, gulping and swallowing effortlessly after waiting so so long.

And for a fleeting moment I didn’t like the taste, and surrendering to that the sensation went straight to ecstasy, conscious of each pulse of my throat, receiving, accepting…I felt him full and warm in my belly.

I had swallowed a man’s enormous ejaculation. I rested, and meditated, and looked at him. I wondered what it felt like for him, for that to have just happened. I waited to feel repulsed, or disgusted, or nauseous, but I felt good and satisfied, deeply sexually satisfied. I paused and breathed for a while, feeling the bed below me and sensing the cool morning air spill in the window.

Then like a fire lit, I had to masturbate. Right then, right there, my way.

I could have let him suck me off; he told me later he had wanted to. It never really occurred to me: I had to expose myself getting me off, and I did, I licked my hand, my mouth was still sticky and slippery with his seed. Semen is the very best liquid to masturbate with.

I knelt up, in my favorite climax position with my knees pushed apart, as he watched me from the short distance. Still fucked in my ass I fucked my cock with my fist and showed him my love, teasing myself to look directly into his eyes…

…until I called out my orgasm, and shook before him, grunting and cumming into my hand, and immediately lapped my semen out of my palm as he gazed across the short distance toward me. I ached to open my mouth and show him my mouthful of myself, but I could not bring myself to do it.

I swallowed, and we mixed in my belly. I spun like Dorothy. I finally landed on my bed in a trance, and that is where he left me, comingled with a white sheet on a bright morning. On my lips and hand and belly semen dried in the cool air. I dozed into light floating sleep, vaguely hearing him slip out the door.

I did not shower. Hours later, walking around alone, I felt like I had read a page from the Women’s Book of Secrets. I walked through the streets of downtown Brussels on a warm shopping afternoon, and it was something in their eyes.