postscript to Jane

who is a kind of mirror

Lately my phantasies about you and Val have included how you accept that he will ejaculate only from masturbation, and you go with that – you take charge and direct the destiny of his semen, as he milks it out of himself, each time it happens.

— efc

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I could have fucked him so sweetly and urgently and it seems a shame not to just go with that moment — but he did not want to keep me from finishing my responsibilities — and neither did i… And damn, if only I could have found a way into the article earlier, I might have gotten myself fucked beautifully in this sticky, hot apartment.

I am so happy to know that you just had such a beautiful experience, eric. It seems we were exponentially increasing the love in this world just now together, you there with your mirror and me here with my lover — who is a kind of mirror, I suppose.

As for Val’s semen: you know I like licking it off of him. I would love to take it all in my mouth again. And I would so love to have it shoot inside of my cunt. That would feel amazing.

— jane

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I had the presence of mind to pick up the mirror, and gazed helplessly at the spattered semen as I throbbed and pulsed in the pleasure my thirst while creating milky life in hot strands. Vividly clear, grassy scent bursting, reverberating natural existence and feeling so good to pulse and moan outward. I looked up at my face and melted at my first slight awakened into self acceptance and moaned.

— efc

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Jane’s towel, while swimming in Lake Minnewaska.

Postscript to Jane

I was surprised that Jane came up the other night, by way of looking for an old essay about the DMT mirror. I have not thought about her in a long time, in the sense of our original relationship. The one where, at the outset of our pair bonding, I affirmed the totality of her desire and offered myself to providing a context for her to explore.

Then we got to that place where we knew it was time to move on; she had someone she liked a lot take an interest in her, which started with his obsession with going down on her. I needed to explore myself in the context of my relationsips. Book of Blue was providing many priestesses willing to hold the mirror for me.

In our time together, Jane and I experimented with different forms of shared and communal masturbation, including one scene where the model Fae held a mirror to Jane as she made love to herself…her first time being with a woman in any form.

As I described in the story Mirage the other night, our relationship began on the premise that we are going to be together and committed to one another and I understand and hold space for all of your needs and desires. She was working through a combination of guilt and a past sexually intense negative attraction to someone who was still lingering around. I was honored to hold open space for who she was at the time and what she was experiencing. I could hold her as she said, he’s not good for me, but I love how he fucks me.

When we parted ways as lovers, we both held a deep bond and attraction to one another. The only way she could really be free with Val was if I was in love with the idea, and I was. It was easy because I loved her and because I needed to be with myself and explore my selflove journey with the other women in my life. And knowing her as I did, I wanted her fulfillment. I understood her needs and her desires and her yearnings intimately.

Part of being in love with the idea of her relationship with Val was being treated to the truth and her feelings for him and the beauty of her pleasure, both emotional and sexual. What should have been jealousy ignited into bliss — that I could share with her. It was the true glory of erotic innocence and celebration.

As she wrote,

I am so happy to know that you just had such a beautiful experience, eric. It seems we were exponentially increasing the love in this world just now together, you there with your mirror and me here with my lover — who is a kind of mirror, I suppose.

And in turn, their celebration gave me the freedom to be explicitly and directly and boldly who I was becoming…and to have a wide open field to explore my compersion for them. My love of their joy. Many years later, they are still together.

I wish every woman could have a man who affirmed her wild side and her true, unedited, unconcealed sexuality. This in turn opened up a space where I could be delightfully honest with myself and with her. And she could say to me, I get to decide how he orgasms and what happens to his semen…

…including describing how he would, because she asked him to, or she told him to, masturbate into her sweet mouth that I had kissed so many times. I’m supposed to be raging with jealosy, and my whole soul says, do it, girlfriend.

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From Journeys (for Jane) — you can safely ignore any “unsafe website” warnings. This is from Book of Blue first edition, written contemporaneously.

your description on the night out of time soaked right into me. your clear, vibrant imagery and sensation. the part that just wet me…you offering your mouth, and drinking the reward. Such a luscious thing and you’re a pretty pretty one to imagine doing this. I know your face. This is what set me to my mirrors, honey. I had to let go and I made myself naked. I had a mirror and I tasted, tasted, tasted dry old stuff wedged into the corner.

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This dream expresses both the delight and some of the shadowy and uncertain sides of my emotions around letting go of her…and letting go to and into myself. The cloying aspect is being confronted by the sensation that she’s not really interested…