psycherotic cosma
bookofblue diary, 2017..."never asking her to reveal her innermost thoughts at that moment. a woman needs her private inner room..."
Kingston, 2017
before i started exploring this [m.celibacy], one of the themes of my erotic life was rejection and unavailable women. since i’ve begun this practice i’ve evolved into receiving ongoing loving attention and companionship. there is so much poignancy in these encounters…as we find our way out of the sexual paradox.
i’ve experienced the erotic beauty of…my sisters and i feel my own beauty in their presence and offer myself to them, however they wish. i’ve submitted to some delightful, cavernous and loving souls gifting me with their pleasure, and their selfpleasure, and spaceholding my selflove.
one lover recently, a dark, fiery north african woman, her book of blue name cosma, every kind of beautiful. at some stage of our relationship she offered to me an experience of her sharing about four days of her gorgeous lovemaking with another man…i was aware of her and she was aware of my mirror journey…
i asked for her to tell her lover that i was mirroring and self-drinking to them…i doubt she did, he would probably not want to know she was even talking to me…she told me how she fucked, in detail, and how she felt. she answered my questions….checking in every few hours.
then when she visited a few days later, i graciouslty welcomed her and licked out the yoni where he had eaten and fucked her, i kissed the mouth had kissed his, the mouth that had drank his semen as we affirmed that truth…in other words, she would tell me she drank him and right then we would kiss in blissful celebration of all pleasure.
i wanted her to have my affirmation, no guilt, no shame, tantra without tears.
i thanked her explicitly for this gift…then in the next moment, she rode me to my bliss with her curvy little universe, her unbearably gorgeous vulva sucking me to orgasm for the last time. so relaxing to let go and spill into her. in that session, she asked me to impregnate her. that was not going to happen — not then…i secretly wanted to, but i knew this was not the right relationship.
the next day she said she was moving on and i imagine it was to the man she had fucked with so well…maybe he would give her a baby…many of my lovers, the ones in this book, have gone from me to the man who fathered their children.
…months earlier she had seduced me first with photos of her delicious brown vulva, and then with an extended video of her masturbating. her camera was positioned such that I could see the expression of her face when her cunt blossoms…and when she would let go as her breath touched sound…so open and full and alive and she knew I would want to drink from her. it was not long before she put herself into my bed.
i’ve smelled and licked cosma many times, her vulva so delightful to suck as i clasp her warm, womanly, curious hands. i’ve let go into her core as we studied one another’s naked faces…
i’ve made love to her asshole orally — in what i’m sure was the sex unique to us. somehow we discovered it…as i encourage my lovers to masturbate honestly in my presence, and to do so for me if they wish…
she would lay on her belly with her hips angled up a little, and masturbate in the style of a little girl. she liked to face down…ohhh…
i encouraged her self given pleasure and as she did, i would spread and lick her ass cheeks..and nibble her…and gradually swirl in long circles toward her core, teasing her as she made love to herself…in service of her pleasure…and as she deepened her masturbation, i gradually spiraled in, teasing her rim, and finally plunging her into orgasm with my tongue filling her asshole as she throbbed around my penetration
…and grunted in delight as i held her hips. we were good friends this way…
now, as i wean off of the yoni, i selflove to her lovemaking with other men. rather mirror, thirst for myself and drink myself to the understanding of her — of this she is aware. knowing we will never fuck again — she promises me this. and i trust her…she is temptation I could not resist. knowing about her loving is what i want and need and crave, and such a gorgeous gift. i love that we have this understanding. i’m sure it made it so easy for her to choose a man she imminently wanted…with my total affirmation and delight.
i might not feel so generous had i not so fully explored and revealed myself to her. i look at her and take satisfaction that i’ve smelled and tasted her, and filled her many ways, and sought to understand the emotional nuance of her delights…sent her into a depth of herself wholly distinctive to our love…
…never asking her to reveal her innermost thoughts at that moment. a woman needs her private room.
This tension between revealing and concealing is going to stay with me