Retrospective
Celibacy was always lurking - the idea of two years. Unthinkable...I started in little bites, six weeks, another six weeks (between quarters and cross quarters).
Even getting used to the idea of not fucking for two years…was mind spinning - that was the original concept via a spiritual teacher in the 1990s and the ’three readings’ experience…of different healers saying to me, you will be fucking less.
During this time, in any sexual relationship with a woman, I am also mirror masturbating with them a lot. After a while my lovers became less about fucking and cunnilingus and more about my mirroring with them. My oral preference shifted from licking her vulva to licking her asshole.
Celibacy was always lurking - the idea of two years. Unthinkable...
I started in little bites, six weeks, another six weeks (between quarters and cross quarters). I would mirror before goddesses and they would mirror before me. I ate a lot of my cum in the presence of women I was desperate to lick…
Quarter to crossquarter.
Then about a year and a half…which began as ‘a year and a day’ at Decadence…with supervision by thresholders Eryca and Boyer. This was like 2017. At the end of five seasons of not tasting vagina…well, this is what I did. I surrendered my sexual destiny to two female friends. They would decide whether at the end of this extended mirror celibacy, I would be celibate for another year, be free to explore sex with others, or be celibate for the rest of my life.
In total trust I submitted to their decision. This was my breakthrough in trusting women. I knew I had arrived. I just let go and it was so beautiful. I remember they decided I was free to explore.
And then soon after I was with Eryca in my ‘I will never suck cunt again’ ritual selfmarriage,,,and orgasmed deep into the feeling of forever.
“You can have this if you want,” Eryca said.
In that time space was a deep, but brief, lover named Ichrak. We dove into psyche and flesh and swam deep. After some experimenting, the sex we got the most delight from was, mmmm, cunnilingus as aperitif to: I would tongue fuck her ass while she masturbated. Feel her existence spin upon my probe into her core as I swirled into her as she throbbed.
Then I would spread wide in front of my dark moroccan beauty and knowing I could fuck her and how delightfully her yoni lips within lips would clasp my lingham,
I would lick my dry cum, self orgasm and eat my fresh jizz. Understanding that she needs to be filled up stretched and deeply fucked…
Then came Annie/Lanvi whom I was with for years. My last girl ass snatch eye contact fuck. She photographed me repeatedly with my mouth full. We masturbated to one another’s selflove. In my last fuck I looked into her eyes and cried out.
I surrendered to mirror celibacy in the spring of 2021. My anniversary is my birthday. During this time I have masturbated with women at the Spa. In one episode three of them watched me fill my mouth in front of a wall mirror. Over time what they have done increasingly is when I am ready to submit to myself, only in one on one sessions, she holds the mirror in front of her face, facing me, so that we cannot see one another. I am left to a private experience in her presence. I can look and open my eyes and see feel experience anything I may...and am in the final spot of cumming to me.
I have felt many times the unspoken invisible hand of the Goddess guiding me deeper into my celibacy. I experiment with the idea of ‘you do not need the approval of women’. ‘You are now to masturbate alone’. ’This is nobody’s business but your own; your private matter’.
As regards smelling vagina. In the deep discussion with my inner teacher as these intentions formed…I was given the choice: that in celibacy, you may do so, if it’s easier. If it’s not, then do not. Easier, that is, to be without drinking or fucking vagina.
Here is what I long to say now. This place Im in…where I can share anything with the bOb reader collective. Which includes many individuals who know me…certain friends…and if I say something to one I say it to everyone. If everyone, to one so sooo good to be me easy honest…
Thank you for meeting me exactly where I am. For your soul voice and mirror…friend sister lover mother
