that place of decision
that i keep coming to
I decided to indulge myself in the delight of being denied pussy. I understood the inherent contraction. I learned that given the opportunity, women enjoy and take pleasure in withholding themselves, guilt free.
So we co-created the space of exploring no. What pockets of joy I could burst pressing myself into these spaces, and freely admitting wanting vagina, and wanting to smell and thirsting for her vagina in particular; she whomever; and some situations where I could pray and plead and feel myself doing so, asking to be denied…and receiving.
Implied here is going to my mother for approval. This kind of agreement where the woman says it’s OK, you can do that. I love that I discovered that when I drink my cum I’m fulfilling my existential thirst for her milk. I love that I felt and feel so good confessing to her.
Given all that…here is what I discovered and which led me down my primrose path of open faced cum mirror celibacy.
When I got right to that point, what feels better, being denied vagina or choosing to not have vagina, it was feeling my space of choosing that spun me into deep, irrevocable surrender, resounding in depth of my feelings and my thirst turning to semen. I choose to do this. That’s the gorgeous feeling.
This is my freedom. And then those moments when she says: you can fuck me if you want. Sits up, splits beaver. You can have me. Or not. She says, You can fuck me if you want.
And in a little while we’re in the bathroom, I’m sitting on the toilet seat naked and she is fully dressed in front of me, reminding me what I chose, when i plead with her to go back one step, i want to eat her, she flashing my spattered mirror at me
We play this way. She puts it to me, you chose this for yourself because you feel good when you do. She holds my mirror as I tentatively lick and then realize, why am I holding back, i cannot hide, seen and felt
a place of decision and choose once again. and i know i need to be approved of. i know i’m writing this because I want you to approve of me and what I do which is who i am and what i feel.
