The precipitating emotion to my meltdown was jealousy, which I much later understand to be grief and a kind of psychic collapse associated with death/ego death of my inner being as man-lover. I reacted to my awareness of you — an all-at-once onrush of you manifesting as real, after so long — with the overwhelming presence of your beauty.
My jealousy was not about your choice but about mine. Kind of a last gasp of submission to my need and perhaps desire and choice (autocorrected to ‘voice') to be self-celibate, to let go of a certain kind of relating…departing the Original Landscape...with the departing sense of that unfulfilled (with you, representing unrequited desire, so beautiful in all of its forms)…within me a deep confrontation and releasing myself into what I have chosen…based on an understanding of needing to heal that very thing about me (‘thing’ autocorrected to 'everything’) that you witnessed…that very inner abyss...that I felt safe enough to be in your presence…in each moment where I connect my self thirst to giving to receiving and cry out, all those echoey waves of calling for mother...the pleasure pulses up from a place of profound sadness…which I allow to pass through me and back into me over and over…becoming my own cosmic container…and releasing myself to the greater abyss…
Your Pluto conjunct my Neptune…meeting the unstoppable force directly and in personal form, as Woman, counterpart, mirror…
I have chosen my journey and know you are witness to the totality of who I am…therefore in your presence, denial is impossible…the one thing your existence affirms...
No matter how I may squirm or scream…
I come back to myself…there is nowhere to go but within…
I am she, I am he…I am Thee
My sense of forever as I cry out (for all to hear) is terrifying and yet then I have no choice but to let go. Receiving myself though is a wholly conscious act. In that most…naked moment, submissive to existence and to death and all beauty…
I must remind myself the freedom of that, as you have put into words…I forget...I remember…you remind me…