In none of the three readings was I told why. I was only told so. She suggested I prepare, accept and enter. From that moment, every woman became my ally in what was proposed as two years celibate. So daunting did this seem that ‘never again’ seemed more accessible.
Over longtime I experimented with first, half a season, then another half of a season, always between quarters and crossquarters. I offered myself for encouragement and received it. Surpised to be lavishing in female sexual attention as we settled into our no-vagina freedom. Sometimes, perhaps close into the vortex of my surrender, it would occurre to me that —
I’m taking such deep pleasure flirting with the notion of no vagina that it might happen, I might slip in…past the point where I could cling to the edge…and then it occurs to me that —
Once there, I am a millimeter from homosexuality…at that moment there would be nothing to give up, only to receive…and this possibility is part of what’s made my m.celibacy so…daunting at times, that such might occur and I would in a sense be helpless. Again I would selflove to the dream of surrendering cunt to my mirror. To this day I thirst for vagina…a constant presence.
And then — the notion that — if indeed I have surrendered not just yoni but all sex, being a mirror celibate self cum drinker forever…that I had without knowing it given up my opportunity to, well, suck cock for a while. To fulfill that spot I’m aware of. So if I’m exploring and I want to spiral deep into some inner space — admit that no vulva means no penis.
My self thirst is my self love.
Reading tonight, I became aware of a fourth reading - in Brussels...
Eric, that is what is so compelling about the mirroring. The levels of trust, conversation and intimacy acknowledge a ritual of heighten awareness that is fully externalized and held in the satiated field of relational intimacy. How beautiful !